My friend Swithun has been posting some thoughts on marriage and relationships under the needlessly provocative title of “The Christian Union is not a meat market, it’s a delicatessen“. But then, “needlessly provocative” sums Swithun up perfectly. And over on Ship of Fools, the topic of whether some people are “called to celibacy” came up recently. Here are a few of my thoughts:
I guess that the question of “Am I called to be single?” comes down practically to “should I pursue marriage, or should I resign/commit myself to a life of singleness, at least for now?”
If you desire to be a husband or wife, then you’re probably not called to life-long celibacy and should pursue marriage.
If remaining sexually pure is a struggle for you, then you’re probably not called to life-long celibacy and should pursue marriage.
Together, the above two points mean that most people should probably pursue marriage!
Until someone is married, Biblically speaking they are called to celibacy, since sex is a good gift by which husband and wife become one.
God often calls us to different things at different times in life. If opportunities for marriage are not forthcoming, or if someone feels that God is leading them to remain celibate at a particular time in life, this doesn’t mean that they can’t get married later on.
Our individualistic society undervalues commitment and idolises lack of commitment as “freedom”, but single people often can take on risks that those with responsibilities to spouses and children often cannot.
Christians shouldn’t remain celibate out of an individualistic love of freedom from commitment, but should seek to make the most of their singleness, taking on intensive and high-risk activities for the kingdom of God, like St Paul.
If you are celibate, make the most of your celibacy. Don’t pursue celibacy as an end in itself, but as a way of seeking God’s kingdom in ways not otherwise possible.
I think that a genuine “call to singleness” in the sense of a call to life-long celibacy/chastity is unusual, and I think the idea has gained currency for two reasons.
The first is as a rationalisation by single people who want to get married but for whatever reason haven’t been able to, as they seek to deal with their disappointment or loneliness. What’s needed here is support, friendship and encouragement. Generally speaking, the church could do a much better job of this.
The second reason is people use “the call to singleness” as an excuse for avoiding commitment, avoiding making oneself vulnerable to another person through a marriage relationship, and so on. What’s needed here is a kick up the spiritual backside.
Marriage can be a wonderful thing, or so I’m told! (I’ll find out in a few months…) But our deepest need is not for a spouse, but for Jesus Christ. If you expect another sinful human being to be the answer to all your prayers, you’ll be disappointed. The only way to give another person the best you can give them is by putting them second: we need to find satisfaction firstly in Christ and his grace.
The most important thing, of course, is to be seeking to grow in love of God and of one’s neighbour, to grow in maturity and wisdom and discipline, to seek to live out the Christian faith more authentically. Sacrificial love should be the pattern of our lives, not just marriage. Wholehearted commitment to God is for all of us, not just those who are single. The best preparation for both marriage and celibacy is to seek first the kingdom of God.