If you now check my details on Facebook, you’ll see that my profile now says that I am “In a relationship” with a young lady called Beverley Watling! I’m thrilled and excited and think she’s amazingly wonderful. So yes, me and Beverley are going out (no “scare quotes” needed!) – what exactly do we mean by that?

We don’t necessarily mean exactly what our secular culture might mean by those words. Beverley and I want to treat one another in a Godly way, with love, purity and respect for one another. Here are some of the principles that we want to live out:

The first principle is combining pleasure and purpose. For many, dating or going out is solely a recreational activity. But for Bev and myself, we intend it to be a decision-making process. We want to enjoy ourselves, but the point of going out is to decide whether or not we should get engaged to be married. Our relationship will have been successful not by us necessarily walking up the aisle together in the end, but by making the right decision. We should also avoid dragging out the process longer than necessary – if we are right for each other, we should get on with marriage, and if not, we should stop sooner rather than later, because the longer we leave it, the more painful it would be to eventually do so.

Another principle is being other-centred rather than self-centred. So many people approach romance with the same attitude as shopping. It’s all about finding the person I like, who meets my needs, who makes me look good. If they don’t match up, then trade them in for a better model. But people aren’t fashion accessories, and you can’t treat one another like that without hurting each other. Romance should be pleasurable, but one should seek first your pleasure in the pleasure of the other, seek to find your happiness in making them happy.

A third principle is community over individualism. How many films have you seen where the romance seems to take place almost in a social vacuum, where anyone other than the starry-eyed couple are either absent or a hindrance? There’s the temptation to see a romance as purely about us, the couple, without the support and prayers of friends, family and church – and indeed, without their advice or any accountability to them. We’re not talking about having an arranged marriage or not having any privacy! We simply want to be open to the wisdom and support of those around us.

Fourthly, intimacy should match commitment. Something we want to avoid is “playing married”. The point is not to act as if we are married (only without living together and sex), and see how it goes. There are various reasons, and I’ll just mention two: firstly, if you do split up, then you’re setting yourself up for much of the emotional pain of divorce even though you aren’t married. Secondly, intimacy in one area often leads naturally to intimacy in others, and so can be a source of temptation.

A vital ingredient we want in our relationship is grace. We aren’t trying to set ourselves up on some kind of pedestal by expressing these aspirations; we’re bound to make mistakes. But we know that God is faithful to forgive, and hopefully by his grace, we won’t go too badly wrong. And when we misunderstand each other or hurt one another, we’ll be able to show grace to one another.

Finally, it’s a three-way relationship: God should play a central part in our relationship, in a number of ways. For example, God must always remain number one; we shouldn’t expect to find the satisfaction that can only be found in him in any other person or relationship; our first priority is our satisfaction in him. This means that when I seek to find my pleasure in Beverley’s pleasure, I don’t find it firstly in her pleasure in me (though I do seek to make her happy), but firstly in her joy in God.

Also, we will seek God’s guidance through prayer and listening to his Word, and seeking to conduct ourselves in a way that expresses our love for him and the love that he calls us to for one another. All the preceding principles are an attempt to put these things into practice.

So there we have it! There are as many ways of “doing romance” as there are couples. I’m sure Bev and I haven’t got it all sorted, but we’re seeking to work out how to go about getting to know one another in a way that is both Biblical and appropriate to our culture. If you disagree on how we’re doing things, the language we use, or whatever, please feel free to comment, but I hope you’ll recognise gracefully that we’re attempting to work out our Christian convictions and principles practically.

Not that most of this came out of any big theological discussions between us, but usually from trying to answer specific practical questions about what we’re doing. We’d really appreciate your prayers and support as we continue our relationship in trembling hope!